thoughts, feelings and ideas to enjoy

number 14

2006-07-14T22:57:00.000+01:00

i can never decide whether i'm the kind of person who likes to talk to/be talked to by friendly strangers in day to day life, or the kind of person who likes to be left to himself... have you ever thought about this? which are you?

the reason for this being in my mind is that i'm due to spend 12 1/2 hours next to one or two perfect strangers on sunday as i fly to malaysia, read about why i'm doing this here... part of me is quite excited and looking forward to the opportunity to spend such a long time with somebody i don't know, and yet, another part of me is a little bit daunted...

thinking about it... i suppose a large amount of the experience comes down to who that person is, and whether they are likely to talk or remain quiet... it would be terrible if i decided that i was the kind of person who loves talking to strangers, only to find myself sandwiched between a couple of plain faced business types who did not care for polite chitter chatter with an eager young man from... well... from different parts of the uk at one time or another...

the reverse is that i decide that i prefer the solitude of my own company and end up next to a big talker, who can't help but spill their entire life onto me and expect me to do the same... there are many more possibilities in between that are more likely, however there are, perhaps, a couple more factors that need to be thrown into the equation...

i loathe small talk... well... i'm not sure if i do or not, the fact is though, i can't seem to do it, on rare occasions when it's forced i can drag myself through it, but i can't seem to help but feel really uncomfortable the entire time... so... here we have something that might hinder a potentially brilliant opportunity... however, on the other hand, i love being in proper conversations, flowing syllabic movements, free falling social interaction nuggets, deep insightful, or laughably funny, i really love it... this is what i'm hoping for and looking forward to... its seems to me that with a new "friend" i.e. someone you've just met, you need to negotiate the small talk super highway before you can progress onto more rewarding conversational levels... hence... my problem... that being said, i'm fairly confident that all will be fine and i'll either have great conversations and be truly thankful for them... or i won't, and i'll not be that bothered...

if you glance back up the page you'll see that this malaysian transport experience was not the point of the post though, i'm trying to figure out if, on the whole, i'm the kind of person who likes to talk to strangers, or the kind of person who doesn't...

I reckon that maybe these are not the only two extremes as i can think of times when i've met someone and chatted to them and its been great and others when i've just wanted to be left alone... i truly love people, and strongly believe that everyone's worth getting to know and that makes me think that i must be at the more sociable end of the scale, although when out and about i spend a lot of my time listening to the ipod (due to an insaciable love of music) and that prevents these meetings from taking place... a bit of a conflict of interests... which has got to go?

i wonder if i'm the only one that thinks about these things

number 13

2006-06-28T16:28:00.000+01:00

my friend ben said to me at the weekend that i use a lot of superlatives, that was the most amazing thing i learnt about myself that day

number 12

2006-06-28T15:36:00.000+01:00

i do a lot of my thinking in the shower... i do a huge amount of it in there. there's something... pure... about it... a clean, naked, pure thing... thinking in the shower... no distractions... not really all that much else to do in there. i think about all things, i plan my day, i think through yesterday. i make a fresh start, put to rest the concerns of the day before, they're not worth the time taken to think through them anymore. i do continue to think about these things, these worries, these concerns, but for that small period of time they're put to rest, left alone and forgotten.... its just me here... i'm alone, warm and thoughtful... there's no point worrying in there... what can you do about your concerns? nothing, nothing can be done while you're in the shower... you could get out... but then... you'd not be in the shower anymore... see... you can't do anything about your worries whilst in the shower... so you might as well relax and not let them bother you... are you following me? (with this idea... this "shower thought" paradigm... not to the shower...) thinking in the shower... its what i do... i do a lot of it in there... i should be writing this in there now, then you'd understand, i wouldn't be stumbling over my words either, wouldn't be getting confused over adjectives and punctuation. in the shower, words just flow out, they "fit", they make sense... you'd know exactly what all this was about if i had written it in the shower, you'd all agree. it would be unanimous, we'd have a certain kinship, an understanding. however, if i had, my computer would have broken and i would have been electrocuted

number 11

2006-01-03T12:14:00.000Z

to be able to have detailed long term plans speaks to me of a lack of ambition rather than a lot of ambition...

the way i see it to plan really far ahead is impossible, life moves so fast it is often difficult to plan into the next week, i'm finding it tricky to explain what i mean by this... i suppose for me to say that in five years i'd like to have achieved this, this and this puts limitations on what i'm striving for

i'm starting to remember my alevel in business studies... maybe they were onto something with their aims and objectives lessons... businesses have a mission statement the coca-cola mission is:

"to refresh the world.. in body, mind, and spirit. to inspire moments of optimism... through our brands and actions. to create value and make a difference.. everywhere we engage"

the mission statement for gap talks about purpose:

"Our purpose? Simply, to make it easy for you to express your personal style throughout your life"

the vision for ambassadors in sport the organisation i worked for on my gap year is:

"we want to see effective soccer ministry changing lives for good in every country and culture of the world"

the point is that these mission statements are often unreachable hypothetical goals, which ties in (loosely) with my idea of detailed long term plans showing a lack of ambition (if we have reachable goals... what do we do with ourselves when we reach them?), so what is the point of these unreachable targets, won't they ultimately end in disappointment?

i looked at a few other well known businesses to fond their mission statements and they all made a point of saying that all of their aims and objectives (long and short term reachable targets) had to fall in line with the mission statement otherwise they wouldn't be pursued... so here we have it, they are a framework for which their lives as businesses are based upon and serve to provide direction and organisation... something which i have been struggling with

so it strikes me as a good practice to have a mission statement for myself... what's that you say? how can you possibly decide now at the tender age of twenty upon a sentence or two that your whole life will be based upon and revolve around? that's true i reply and here it is:

when asked out of all of the rules and regulations and stuff like that in the bible which is the greatest one Jesus says:

"the most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'hear, o israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' the second is this: 'love your neighbor as yourself.' there is no commandment greater than these."

there are two accounts of this story in the bible you can see one here: matthew's version and the other here: mark's version...

this seems like a wise place to start the year, a year in which i will probably be busier than i ever have been before... a little direction is needed...

this is what my life is striving for and (albeit quite slowly) moving towards. how about yours?

happy new year

number 10

2005-12-24T11:06:00.000Z

i am still here....

i haven't blogged for ages as i have been busy living life, like i said in my last entry, living life right up to bed time, but now i'm back in isolation i can spend some time inside my head and can think of some wonderful and wierd ideas that will hopefully bring a smile to the face or a tear to the eye (a happy tear) of anyone who should read about them

to what extent is optimism important for achievement? do optimists perform better? can someone alter how well they do something simply by having a more positive attitude towards it? is this something schools should be thinking about? if you do perform better with a more positive attitude, should optimism be taught in schools? is it possible to teach such a thing? and to what extent is optimism ignorance? is it better to be realistic?

why am i asking all these things? i suppose i should be honest... i've got to do a piece of work at uni in the next term and this is what i'm thinking of doing it on, it would be useful to get some people's opinions on it... but i also think its an interesting factor to consider, so please do so...

Also it's christmas time and i'd like to propose an idea (actually i'd like to pinch someone else's idea and present it as my own - not really this was the christmas message at my church in leicester, thankyou andy upton) apparently there are bumper stickers in america that have slogans something along the lines of "jesus is the reason for the season" well perhaps they are wrong...?! how about... "we are the reason for the season..." or... "i am the reason for the season..." why do we have christmas...? simple... because of me! (and you of course!)

ask yourself... why christmas...? what is christmas...? we're all after the perfect stress free christmas and if that were possible there'd automatically be no such thing. jesus came because of the very things that we become so aware of at christmas time: our impatience, our anger, our greed, the list goes on...

i don't want to be preachy on here but my faith is too big a part of my life (well... pretty much all of it) to ignore and it seems fitting that at christmas time i give an idea of what i think its about

i noticed i used to have such free flowing, flowery metaphors on here and i miss them i'll try and get them back for my next blog...

..,and the final reason for my christmas blog is that i'm really loving this picture at the moment its some stairs in budapest (thankyou james, again!!) i think its beautiful...

number 9

2005-11-13T23:29:00.000Z

righto,

i'm finding it rather difficult to find the time and the enthusiasm to write anything on here at the moment, i'm sorry if anyone has been checking and not finding anything new (a little arrogant of me perhaps), life has been for living recently and i've been living it right up to bed time and then going to bed and not blogging

i've also not really had any new thoughts... i'm trying right now to think of something, but its not coming to me

however i did have a dream last night that i was taking care of a baby and it was just an amazing feeling

i'll leave you with that

number 8

2005-10-22T02:41:00.000+01:00

ok so here we go, i'm back after a bit of a break and i've got a little bit of time to focus on this and keep you interested in me...

first i've got to remember all of the little rules - like the fact that i don't use capital letters anywhere on here and that if something is fairly obvious i should have a crack at explaining it further, whereas if it's a bit ambiguous i can leave you to decide what you think about it...

blogging as a secret identity... i'm relitively new to this game and so one of the things i think you do in a new situation is you try and figure out how everything is meant to work, and i came across an astounding discovery, people who blog, never mention their blogs or the fact that they blog or anything about it freely in the real world (possibly why i climbed on board so late), and in as a general rule of conformity, i don't do this either

consider the scenario... i am reading a friends blog and i particularly like it, and then i remember whilst talking to him (or her, it could be a lady) face to face that i enjoyed the post (and this is where i think it gets interesting).... rather than saying this to him (or her) right there and then i make a mental note to post a comment next time im on their blog. i think this is insanity, why not just tell them about it, and yet, there's something so wonderful about it, its like out own special community

and here's another thing... the things we talk about on our blogs don't necessarily reflect the kinds of people we are in real life and the subjects we talk about (hence the secret identity theory) it gives us a whole new chance to be interesting, or funny, or deep and insightful (i suppose i fit into this one), i think this is quite a discovery due to the fact that as far as i know there's no limit to the number of these things we can have so it is possible to continuously reinvent ourselves to suit everybody

which is the real you? is it the one that your friends see in everyday situations? or is it when you're on here late at night baring the deepest darkest depths of your soul to whosoever might notice?

something to think about....

number 7

2005-09-30T19:34:00.000+01:00

i've been thinking about a new idea for a while, i should have put in on here sooner but i have been unable to get connected

my new idea is... blogging as a secret identity, i don't want to write about it too much at the moment as i feel my creative juices flow more vastly and juicily late at night and i want to do this new insight justice...

if you do read this please let me know via the mystical path of comment leaving as i feel a little bit like i'm writing this for my own benefit, and that makes me feel like i might be a crazy person who has to write down their thoughts in order to validate (or should that be verify) them as being real... what i'm saying is i already know what i'm thinking and to put them on here solely for my benefit would be insane as i already know what i'm thinking, and besides just reading without getting involved is selfish...

once again thanks to james for this photograph

i want to change the theme of my post titles (number 1 etc.) what should i change it to...?!

love to you all...

number 6

2005-09-13T01:05:00.000+01:00

i've just had a bit of a brain wave of an idea to talk about on this... my next blog.

i had actually gone to bed when i thought of it, but had to get up and write in case i forgot, which is annoying as it's late and i've got to be up for work early tomorrow - especially early as i'm going to have to have a shave in the morning to ensure i don't get mistaken for a passing vagrant (drifter if you will) when i arrive at work and get given a cup of cold tea and the crusts from an old loaf of bread and then escorted off the premises before being given the opportunity to explain my late night, didn't have time to shave conundrum... i also forgot to make my sandwhiches and will now have to do so whilst making breakfast

anway the more i ramble on about this the less time i get sleeping and the more tired i will be at work tomorrow, the more tired i am the colder i tend to be (i work in a very well ventilated room) which results in me putting on my jacket and repeatedly being asked "are you not staying?" in a witty sarcastic kind of way...

ahem... my idea...

i've often thought about silence and so i'm going to use this internet medium to share my thoughts about it, a little ironic you might think... talking about silence?! you could say its like rain on your wedding day, but then again you probably wouldn't

silence... there's a thin line between a close relationship with a friend/family member, and one that has not yet begun to form or has hit some problems when it comes to silence... think about it, how do you feel when you are silent with someone, is it awkward? is it comfortable? (i might add here that these thoughts were the ones that lead to me coining the phrase "hmmm... this is awkward?!" which got grossly overused, became expected at every pause for breath and subsequently isn't funny any more - for anyone unfamiliar with this the idea is to say the above phrase quietly to one's self when a conversation with someone reaches a natural end or pause)

now then, i like the idea of silences with a close friend, there's something very reassuring about being able to sit silently with someone, enjoying each others company without feeling the pressure to speak, its comforting, just being there.... especially if you seem to be able to tell what the other person is thinking and you can both silently appreciate that thought.... you feel like soulmates for a bried telepathic moment (tried to think of a better word than soulmates but couldn't - sorry, hope you get the idea)

however, the same silence with an unfamiliar can strike fear and terror into the hearts of even the strongest, mightiest and most muscular men (...and women - don't want to get the equal opportunities for sexes people on my back...) i shared such a moment with an uncle of mine at a family gathering at the weekend, it was horrible, we looked at each other both recognising discomfort rising through us, needing to find a way out but unsure what to do (haha maybe i should have said "hmmmm... this is awkward....?!") in the end we stuck to the most minimilist (moby would be proud) of all small talk and offered our two cents (what does this phrase mean?) on the weather

you get the idea... my challenge is thus: at what point do you pass over the line with someone where you can leave the anxious, sweaty (cold sweat of course!) moments behind and actually begin to enjoy those comfortable natural silences with an acquaintence? can you do this at all? have you reached that point with me yet?

golly its late, hehe there's an owl hooting outside my window, how quaint (the little blighter - i'm not sure if this word is considered to be offensive or not, please let me know - better not keep me up all night!!) i best leave you to your own devices now as i have to be at work in a few hours (sorry for another long one, i am yet to be able to keep these things compact and presice).

enjoy

number 5

2005-09-08T20:14:00.000+01:00

we've got a frog in our lounge

i tried to do this earlier, i couldn't do it, its wierd to get writer's block over something with so little significance, at present i'm aware of two people who read this (john, dan how are you?) i got all blocked up and couldn't even remember who i was, anyway, time for another try

about 90% of online conversations are rubbish (i'm in one of those rubbish ones right now... oooo.. could it be you? were you talking to me at about 8.30pm on the 8th sept) its like that small talk with people you don't know at the beginning of parties (you know the ones... with plenty of perfectly good chairs around and yet everyone feels the need to stand while they talk) back to online conversations, they are rubbish, a waste of time and yet i spend so much of my time in them, they're faceless, emotionless, pointless.... maybe msn should do an automated thing (like the templates you get on phones for text messages), you could click on a button (perhaps labelled small talk) which ask the same questions and gives the same answers, for example saying "yeah everythings ok" when in reality its not, not because you don't trust the person you're talking to but because you've become digitised, you're either fine and you don't want to talk about it or you're not fine and you don't want to talk about it, we're all stuck. to be honest about half of the time i forget who i'm talking to and just keep typing generic responses to whoever it may be...

the frog has been safely removed

10% of conversations are well worth it, they flow, you discuss many things at once (to the point where it is infinitely confusing) and when you remember them later, you don't so much remember sitting typing, you remember it as if you were actually with that particular friend, you remember the emotions the intensity of your conversation and you can almost see the expressions on their faces as they type away... all this being said i'd still pick one to one, face to face social intercourse any day

despite this little whinge i'm generally happy at the moment, i was happy earlier as i thought about how cool it is to have your washing done for you when you're at home, this made me happy, i wore a t-shirt last night and got it dirty, now its clean, washed, dried, ironed (by me) and folded and waiting in my cupboard for its chance to revisit my body for another fun filled moment. this makes me smile, its the simple things, at uni i wouldn't expect to see it for another four weeks

i also like how its sunny and slightly breezy at the moment (well not right now, during the day) and how my bed is comfy and warm and how despite being temporarily isolated in the middle of nowhere im relatively popular and my friends are all lovely - the simple things

i also like the fact i have so many excellent photos to put on here to the point where each day i find it hard to choose which one, if you don't like them you are wrong they are great

must go i might add a little bit more later - leave me a comment

number 4

2005-09-08T00:45:00.000+01:00

how long am i just gonna keep naming my posts like that? (number 1, number 2 etc.) its anyone's guess i suppose, i thought about changing it tonight but i don't think we're quite ready for that are we?

let's take things one step at a time,

i don't want to get nasty comments from my devoted readers issuing complaints that i've caused them nose bleeds or dizzy spells or anything like that. i'm just going to go ahead and say it

i accept no responsibility for any physical harm that any of you suffer when reading this....

emotional harm... now that's a different story...

i've been thinking that i've been spreading myself a little thinly over the holidays, i've taken on quite a few different hobbies/activities, and this whilst, giving me something new to do each day, means i don't really feel like im getting anywhere in one single pursuit, do people who have achieved great things done so my knowingly sacrificing something else that was slowing them down...

they say variety is the spice of life but, is that a adding seasoning and flavour to a mediocre life? does being a slightly more single minded person lead you to ultimately more success?

its embarressing that i have to keep ms word open to spell check a lot of the words im using on here

anyway, what do you think? do i need to consolidate? if so what takes priority? music over art? art over fitness? fitness over music? being awake and active over being all comfy and snoozy in bed?

i've decided i don't want this to be a diary... i'm probably not going to write that much about the things i've been doing, partially because i've been living a fairly boring life in which i don't do anything, and partly because its too easy... so it's going to be the crazy thoughts and themes running through my mind, and spiritual musings (which i will go into in more depth later), i may add song lyrics/poems and ideas for sitcoms, books, dramas films etc. we will see, give me some suggestions

i suppose i want this to be unique, and special, however i don't want to have to try hard to achieve this (haha lazy), i want it to flow out of my mind, down my arms, and onto the keys freely, like an overly hydrated newborn baby with no bladder control

number 3

2005-09-06T23:54:00.000+01:00

ummm... i hate driving in flipflops and... well... i suppose its ok as i take them off and then its enjoyable, there's something natural and rural about driving in barefeet in the middle of the countryside... all is well...

oh, credit for about 50% of the photo's has to go to james pearson... well done my friend

been to the pub tonight with dad, was good...

number 2

2005-09-06T10:52:00.000+01:00

i was thinking last night about how often people put posts on these things, and to what extent that relates to how bored you are. it's a confusing thing, i see two possibilities:

a) you make lots of posts as you are living an exciting life, doing lots of outrageous stuff, and with your multitude of friends across the globe you just have to spend the early hours after you've got in from your party, outing or get together putting your experiences on the web just so that your faithful blog following won't be left out of the loop

b) you have no friends, you have no fun times, you spend many hours inside your head, which culminates in the fantastic invention of poems, bizarre scenarios, and top ten lists of films, books, times you've been scared but don't know why etc. the day is spent waiting for that golden moment in time between about 9 and 10.30pm when your friends in far off places are finishing their fun days and are signing into msn, once they've logged off at around midnight, you settle down to work, unfolding your thoughts and trying to pass them off as something that may amuse and inspire people

this doesn't really answer my question... how long is a cool amount of time between leaving posts? please leave comments with suggestions as i'm new to this as i don't want to cross the line from "free thinking chap with a need to keep people in the know on my thoughts" and "sad nerd"

which of the two scenarios above is me? im afraid at the moment it is b.

anyway this is not the reason i came on here this morning

this is a time of celebration... why? (i'm suddenly aware i've got a lot of these types of sentences already)... because i have stumbled across proof that my eccentric description of the internet that i made last night, check out the following animation:

microsoft molemen

also look at the radiohead "creep" video (thanks to chris turnpenny and hsi blog for directing me there)

chris if you're out there... i've enjoyed reading your blog, i miss talking to you so much it hurts sometimes, and i'm looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks

i've also noticed that people have little descriptions of themselves on these things, i'm yet to decide whether or not to do one of these, along with hobbies, interests and favourite foods/colours/game in taekeshi's castle etc. the alternative is that i don't and you can pick little bits out of these posts and construct an intricately complex character profile of me

with regards to my earlier comments about my personality blogging scenario if you know me you'll know that i have a fairly cinical, fairly sarcastic sense of humour and will realise that i'm not manicly depressed or lonely or anything like that so do not worry

i think i've written too much now (how much is too much? again post comments) so i'm going to wrap it up now, by the way i heard a really good sermon at church on sunday (given by andy upton at knighton efc) about worrying, we are a people of too many worries, if you're worrying too much check out the latter parts of matthew 6 (verses 25-34), if you don't have a bible look at the following link and ask me about it and i'll do my best to let you know what its all about:

matthew 6 (new living translation)

(i hope these links work)

that'll do for now

number 1

2005-09-05T23:16:00.000+01:00

is there anybody in here??

i've noticed in the last couple of weeks that a lot of my friends, have been lending their thoughts and ideas to this crazy warren of communication passageways and information networks known as the internet hidden deep underground and being watched over by the microsoft molemen, seeming to bare their very souls to whoever might glance their way, there's a kind of nakedness to it, a certain vulnerability that prooves one can truly find themselves through blah blah blah...long story short i've decided to start my own blog...

sitting here i find it a somewhat amusing and entertaining thought that this may drift off into nothingness never to be seen by anyone, which makes me question whether or not its worth it, to which i answer "yes... i might as well... i've got nothing better to do..."

so here we go... this may be the start of something special a hidden (yet wholey available to anyone with a computer) sanctum for the ideas that slowly form in my mind and need somewhere to overflow and be spilt... on the other hand it might be a complete waste of time...